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The Ecstasy of Grief
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Date:2005-12-16 11:20


Spent all day ad most of the night then the next morning writing this essay, and like a complete retard went up to uni believing id emailed it to myself to print off, and i only fucking attached the bibliography in my rush.


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Date:2005-12-15 21:22

"I was a kid, you were my dad
I didn't always understand
I wanted freedom, you got mad
You were concerned, I got upset
I didn't recognize you yet

And did you cry, I know I did
When I lied to you
I didn't want to hurt you
I just never knew I did

You never told me that you loved me
I know you didn't know how
I guess that shows we're much the same
'Cause I love you too and until now
I've never said those words out loud
I hope you're proud
To be my dad...

What are your secrets, do you pray
Is there a god that shows your way
I wish I knew...
Do you have crazy fantasies
What happens in your dreams
I want to know...

I guess you'll always be a mystery to me
But you taught me how to value life
And what else do I need
I have a dad who watches over me"

sometimes i feel like this about my dad, perhaps not the first verse, he always let me have the freedom :-) but we never talk properly i dont feel like i really know him. its even awkward hugging, mostly i go for a punch, he doesnt seem to know how to express his emotions.

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Date:2005-10-19 13:45

Ages since i last updated in here.

I think last time was when i was agonising over revision and impending resits. Safe to say i am here again back for the thrid year.

Which by all accounts i dont know if its just because i did about hmm no work last year is really hard and nnot just hard but an incredible amount of work. there is alays more reading more questions and if i ever get a chance revision of what ive already done so far this term.

anyway just thought i'd mention i have a killer headache today and that me and suze have worked through two seasons of angel since we've been back and are about to head into season 4 which should be really fun particulalry as shes seeing it all for the first time and has no idea of whats to come.

Anyway still the same old problems no money and with so much studies no time.

Oh and add to that last year a day was not complete without at least one joint. This year so far one jay smoked between 3 for me. Pretty good going as towards the end of summer was getting starting to find the lifestyle almost tedious. Now hopefully when smoking again it will be fresh and fun again.

And so to end with a quote:

"Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl.

It speaks to us, guides us, passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief.

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead."

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Date:2005-07-27 23:26

oh and you know a pair of these just make good sense:


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Date:2005-07-27 23:16

so in the news today i read a woman who bought Grand theft auto for her 14 year old Grandson is suing rockstar (the developers behind the game) as the company engaged in false and misleading practices.

hmm perhaps i should sue WB as i thought i was actually going to see a good movie when i went to watch matrix:reloaded, or maybe MCA as bruce springsteens most recent LP wasnt the tour de force comeback it promised on the box. lol

anyways revision goes on. poorness goes on. and missing suze gradually intensifies.

finding that the longer i am going without fast food the less cravings i get, dont even get tempted at all my mc donalds now plus weed longings nmow almost gone. is pretty good.

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Date:2005-07-18 15:23


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

hmm, well i guess i can be quite jealous.

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Date:2005-07-18 14:22

funny how after weeks of pious politicians, weeping rockstars and newspaper columnsts all struggling to prove themselves more caring than the next over 50,000 africans dying rach day all seems forgotten because 50 people have ded in london.

*sighs* bloody typical

read half blood prince, pretty good defo gonna have some of the younger kids crying, solidly written and on the pulse in terms of tying in with current affiars. a laugh out loud first chapter coupled with a gloriously upbeat ending especially considering what has preceded it means i quite enjoyed it. but as with number 4 and 5 it is again over written and again lacking the trademark character humour of the first 3. still an excellent little book though.

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Date:2005-06-24 14:54

shit days recently.

so first i failed my exams.

good nice one john. then realise my options are almost certainly come out with a crap degree or the chance of a decent degree but losing suze.

then involved in a car crash and end up in hospital till 4 o clock in the morning.

oh and still got no money. and a payment of 600 quid is pending for the rent. grrreat

as if the pain of simply missing suze wasnt enough life is know doing its damndest to remove my sunny disposition. surprise surprise as if to reflect my darkest mood of the hooliday i woke up to a thunderstorm.

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Date:2005-06-18 12:02


could i agree with you more....umm how about no

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Date:2005-06-18 11:58

bloody tired.

arsehole brother watchihng movies till 3 in the morning then got up for work and woke the house up by listening to his music at what felt like full blast but was probably only almost full blast at 8 in the monring.

went in and ripped the cables out of his amp.

no fucking consideration in this house.

balatantly tomorrow my dad is gonna wake me up in the monrnig by talking in his usual booming voice at a ridiculously early hour.

so tired.

my head hurts, my eyes ache and my body feels disticnlty weird another night of little sleep and i think im gonna go mental.

missing suze

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Date:2005-06-17 12:20

just finished reading 'american gods'. pretty good. onwards to 'jonathan strange & mr norrell' now. i am loving the time on my hands now with no exams and no job.

but equally so i am not loving the no money part.

went to the movies last night and watched that mr and mrs smith film which was waaay better than i expected thought it was gonna be pretty dull and would soon run out of wit and action but turned out to have humour in spades, obviously 2 good leads and some damn fine action.

suze is gone again. it was horribly hard to get out of bed today. it just seems like whats the point? what about today will i enjoy that is worth fgetting up for. suze is not here and so i constantly ache. my friends are all either still at uni or on holuiday and i have no job. getting up just seems like a waste of good energy.

the best thing about weed i have decided is not that its relaxing, not that it makes boredom seem okay, not that its great for something to do while hanging out with mates but for the pure and simpole fact its stops my mind working overtime whilst high. last night trying to get to sleep my mind just wouldnt shut down jst kept on thinking up more and more crazy shit.

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Date:2005-05-16 14:46

You scored as Anakin Skywalker.


Anakin Skywalker


Darth Vader




Mace Windu


General Grievous


Clone Trooper






Emperor Palpatine


Obi Wan Kenobi


Padme Amidala




Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

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Date:2005-04-23 22:08

bored. everyone in house gone out (well emma, i havent seen in about 2 months so she may well be in somewhere but she sure as hell aint "in" here).


have been occupying myself laying traps for ants and watching spongebob squarepants in the background. should probably get back to revision having worked al day i havent really done much as was the situation yesterday and will be tomorrow. and aftere that i will have just 7 days before my tests start.

looking fwd to the relief and time that them finishing will bring.

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Date:2005-04-19 20:12

i have a job at kent county cricket club. yay. whoo hoo. much needed money soon to be coming my way.

today another dull day of banking, revision, boredom and nigh on exhaustation.

looking forward to the end of exams and thus revision.

Kate: I just couldn't... My whole life has been about being a cop. If I'm not part of the force it's like nothing I do means anything.
Angel: It doesn't.
Kate: Doesn't what?
Angel: Mean anything. In the greater scheme or the big picture, nothing we do matters. There's no grand plan, no big win.
Kate: You seem kind of chipper about that.
Angel: Well, I guess I kinda worked it out. If there is no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. 'cause that's all there is. What we do, now, today. I fought for so long. For redemption, for a reward, finally just to beat the other guy, but...I never got it.
Kate: And now you do?
Angel: Not all of it. All I wanna do is help. I wanna help because I don't think people should suffer, as they do. Because, if there is no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world.
[Ats 2.16 - Epiphany]

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Date:2005-04-16 19:57

and also vinnie jones as juggernaut in x men 3 announced.

firstly juggernaut *creams pants* secondly vinne jones please dont be crap.

juggernaut and dark phoenix actually screw phoenix. juggernaut!!! this is gonna be so sweet

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Date:2005-04-16 19:52
Subject:the doctor

just come to the realisatioin that i actually love the new doctor who.

the quality above all i love is its humour.

i was talking to jombo about it and he thought it was crap, i thnk he said cheap and far too cheesy. but i cannot fathom how he can think that all it is absolutely brilliant.

i think i even like it more than buffy. weellll maybe not but if it keeps going on like this ....

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Date:2005-03-23 11:41
Subject:instead of doing my essay.....

its international week...therefore tedium in the football world is about to engage, here are 15 things bound to happen. they always bloody do.

1) Nothing will happen this week. Or at least it will feel that way.

2) Various England players will insist that they can’t afford to take the challenge of Northern Ireland [Fifa World Ranking: 111] and Azerbaijan [Fifa World Ranking:
117] lightly. They'll just play like they are instead.

3) Sven-Goran Eriksson will appear at a press conference in which he will demonstrate the technique of speaking without saying anything at all.

4) A defiant David Beckham will insist that he is back to form.

5) A defiant David Beckham will insist he’s the man to captain England.

6) Joe Cole will announce that he is the man to fill England’s problem position on the left, the nation will groan

7) Stewart Downing will announce that he is the man to fill England’s problem position on the left, the nation will be hopeful

8) You will forget Owen Hargreaves in in the squad until it turns out that sven thinks he is the man to fill England’s problem position on the left, and the nation will cry

9) Somebody in the England camp will report a niggling back/groin/hamstring injury. We will then receive 15 daily news updates on his progress between Wednesday and the close of play on Friday before he’s finally declared fit to start. Thank the lord.

10) The press will predict the composition of the England team on the basis of Joe Cole wearing a yellow bib in training.

11) Michael Owen will say something along the lines of 'I wish I played more but I am happy in Madrid'. This will be the most newsworthy aspect of his press conference.

12) Somebody will write an article saying that what England are really missing is a goalscoring midfielder (cough) like Paul Scholes.

13) At least one newspaper will carry a feature on the disparity between the remuneration of the England squad and their Northern Ireland counterparts.

14) At least one newspaper will carry a feature on the disparity between England's glamourous football wives Coleen and Posh and Mrs Andy Kirk of Northampton.

15) Northern Irish left-back George McCartney will say that he 'hopes' to keep David Beckham quiet. This will result in headline of 'Macca Says Becks Past It'.

16) Gary Neville will threaten to go on strike(again). And who would blame him?

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Date:2005-03-23 01:09

i feel like i've been lying here typing for days.

you know when you see those people in the hospital who are diabled and where they lie their skin is full of bed sores and the back of their head features matted hair in many cases bald patches with manky ahalf grown half worn away hair from where their head has been resting against a pillow for far too long.

well i keep freaking out and thinking my hair is falling out in clumps. i am continually rushing my hand to the back of my head and running my fingers through my (thankfully) still intact locks to check it is all there and nothing is going wrong

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Date:2005-03-22 23:37
Mood: tired

suze if you read this at any point....ever

i love you.

okay now thats out of the way: damn it, its boring being on my own all the time. since staurday when suze left i have now spent 80 hours alone.

at first it was novel. then it developend into fun before being dull. then it got slightly creepy bofroe lonely. since then its just been lonely hammering away at me all the time.

at least im getting loads of work done. *sighs*

still not enough though since my dad is now picking me up tomorrow afternoon instead of my mum picking me up thursday i have 24 hours less to do a 4000 word essay i only started today. so panicking i skiped the background reading and somewhat foolhardily (or confidently depending on your perspective) decided that this could be done relying entirely on my foreknowledge. encouragingly i managed to churn out 1000 words in around 90mins. i then got stuck, took a further 3 hours to write 200 words. spent an hour doing a rewrite which shortened it by 100 words and decided that i was hasty and should have done the reading.

that is where i am now. at half past midnight i have started to do research for my essay.

i feel that coffee or at least some sort of caffeinated beverage is in order.

expect several semi delirious posts on here within the next 6 hours as i "knuckle down".

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Date:2005-03-22 23:27
Subject:the future is coming, the future is here the worst of our nightmares...Skynet reborn
Mood: calm

just doing my essay bumbling along in a non coherent tired yet semi focused state naturally i have the tv on in the background.

im barely listening, like i say i am focused on my essay, reading about how youths(16-23 year olds apparently) are not only the most likely group to be perpetrators of crime but also the most most likely to be victims. hmmm ... interesting i think BLAM, from nowhere the word skynet is said...it reverbates around my head back and forth up and down echoing in the now empty space, i fight down the mild feeling of panic only to find it replaced by nausea and a sinking feeling. i dare to look up and see what the fuck is on tv, and some woman is talking about exciting new technological developments within robotics, i whimpered turned it off and returned to my essay.

i later (30 - 40 seconds) and find it was just a program about television standards and the "golden age" of tele.

phew *wipes brow and returns to essay*

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